At this point, I think we have all heard or even joined the chorus of voices crying out for the need for male role models in the lives of today’s children. In our own foster journey, we have noticed the constant lack of strong, positive male role models in the lives of most of the children that we have cared for.

This is not to diminish the importance of the role of strong women – their importance is just not the point of this particular article.

This one is for the Dads of the world.

Leading boys to Manhood

As a father your son, your children’s friends, and any children your life connects with will be shaped in some fashion by the image of manhood that they see you model. 

One of the constants that I have seen is the dichotomy of responses I hear when guys talk about their own father. I hear a few lukewarm responses that sound like, “I am like my dad in some ways, but there are a few things I try to do differently.” 

However, the overwhelming majority of men that I know will either say, “If I am half the man he was it will be a success,” or “I will never be anything like he was.” 

Those polar responses tell me that whoever your Dad was – it has a deep impact on your soul. Most fathers are seen as the archetypal “benevolent king” or the “cruel tyrant.” I don’t know who you grew up with, but I can imagine who it is that you would rather be remembered as.

As a Dad, your actions and attitudes will inform your son what it means to be a man. Are you manipulative and opportunistic in your relationships, or are you generous with your praise and time? Are you reacting to others out of fear or responding in confidence? These are choices that you can consciously make or you can just let life happen to you and be whatever comes easiest to you.

I grew up in a scarcity mindset and found it difficult to give freely to my children – to anyone. It wasn’t until I found the truth in an abundance mindset that I was able to give freely of myself to my children and others. By modeling that fear-based decision model, I was unknowingly transferring it to my own family. No wonder my young sons didn’t want to share what they had with others, they didn’t have that model as an appropriate response in their formative years. In other words, I taught them to be stingy and afraid to share.

We are raising the next generation of men who will define what is culturally acceptable in how to treat women, how to lead, how to provide, and how to care for others. 

Daughters need dads!

Perhaps one of the most heartfelt relationships is what daddy’s little girl feels when she bonds in a healthy way with her dad. Even through the teen years, there will always be a piece of her heart that she holds for her father. 

Little girls will learn what she should expect to experience in her future relationships by watching how daddy treats her mommy. She will date guys that remind her in some way of her dad.
She will find her sense of worth in the way that her dad treats her. Treat her with love and affection and she will expect guys to treat her the same way. 

If you tell her heart that it is not worth your time or love, she will value herself accordingly. It is a charge that should not be taken lightly. While it is true that we are all individuals and capable of making our own decisions, daddy has the single most valuable influence on the quality of those decisions. 

A warning for Daddy

It is without a doubt the single most important charge we are given – train up our young ones in the way they should go. 

Your behavior will influence the lives of our sons and daughters more than any other factor. If your kid has any exposure to domestic violence, drug or alcohol addiction, isolation, sexual abuse or any other traumatic experience (especially at the hands of the man she calls daddy) you can bet that you are putting her at risk of those same things as she gets older and chooses her own risky behaviors. Your sons will be more apt to engage in behavior that will end up in depression, anxiety, or suicidal ideation. The things they see you do or accept into your life will teach them about the man you expect them to become.

There is no choice, you will lead by example – LEAD WELL!

Foster Dads

As a foster dad, you have significant difficulty and opportunity ahead of you. You will have boys and girls that may have never felt the love of a father in their life, or worse yet they only know inappropriate love from those hands.

You can not “fix” their past. You only have the ability to model what a good and honorable man does to earn the love of their children and slowly build the trust they may be missing. Once you have the trust of a hurt child, you can create a space where it is safe enough for them to begin the healing process they so desperately need! 

Once the healing process begins, your reward may very well look something like a child that feels safe enough to begin responding to the hurt and anger that they have been feeling for months or years. That means you will see the negative responses to the pain that someone else has caused. Your job is to remain a steadfast role model through the messy parts. You will only build trust and relationship if you can become the lighthouse in the storm – steadfastly lighting the way regardless of the storms of rage all around you. 

What’s in it for you?

This part can be a hard pill to swallow at first. The best possible outcome is that you can teach a child to trust and become a young man or woman with a positive self-image that teaches them that they have worth regardless of past experiences. Then after their parent(s) get their life together they will go home and live “happily ever after.”

The truth is that the best thing for any child is for their parents to overcome their struggles and become an involved parent that loves and cares for their children. Every human has a desire to be worthy of their parent’s love. 

It is challenging to work so hard to teach a child to trust and build a safe relationship with you, only to see them go back to a parent that has not done a great job in the past. But, when you see a mom or dad step up and become that caring parent – the reward is priceless!