According to the American Psychological Association, trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. 

While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives. Psychologists can help these individuals find constructive ways of managing their emotions.

Every child will respond differently to their trauma. You can never be sure how they will respond to different types and intensities of traumatic events that are part of their history. 

As a foster parent, you never really know the full spectrum of what each child has experienced unless they tell you. Often if something happened to them at a young age they may not even remember it consciously, but their body does!

A child will not remember hours of hunger during newborn years, but a part of the brain does. The effects of early childhood trauma are not always easily linked to the event that caused them because the cause is not always known.

This is one of the struggles of foster parents. Not every child has been traumatized in their life, but you can not assume that any child was never exposed to trauma either.

Children with trauma are different

It is worth noting that we share 99% of our DNA with Bonobos and Chimpanzees according to this article on sciencemag.org. 99% is a lot of similarities to have, but that 1% difference accounts for a LOT of differences. Is it any wonder that each and every one of us is radically different due to genetic, environmental, and experiential factors?

Then there is the difference that trauma is responsible for. According to this article on sciencedaily.com children with a childhood trauma have differences in the structure of the networks in the brain that seem to be closely related to the populations that experienced known traumas.

Science has proven that there are significant differences between the brains of children that experienced childhood trauma. We need to accept the fact that this means there will be a difference in how we as a generation need to parent those kids

As much as I would love to be able to just tell my kids to just grow up and stop doing things that lead to negative consequences, it simply won’t work. First off, my kids experienced the loss of a sibling. Their oldest sister lost her battle with HLH in 2015. She was 17 when she got sick and 18 when she lost her fight. They all watched this happen and it affected them all differently.

Two of our children witnessed their biological father’s murder, and the two youngest experienced significant drug exposure in utero or during the first year of life.

Problem-solving in a new way

“When you are a hammer everything looks like a nail.” I don’t know who to attribute this quote to, but it is so very true. Have you ever tried to hammer a screw into a piece of wood? You can do it. But it won’t be very effective. As a matter of fact, you will probably damage the threads of the screw and rip a large hole in the wood and run the risk of splitting it completely. If you get it to go all the way into the wood you will likely damage the screw in the process too. So why do we do this with our kids without realizing we are damaging them too?

It is just easier to expect them to respond the same way to the same stimulus the same way we see other kids respond. Unfortunately for the kids involved they oftentimes get damaged by our best efforts.

The first step is learning to reframe the way we see kids who have experienced trauma (especially ongoing trauma). Rather than allowing yourself to see a kid as a “bad” kid, you must reframe your perspective to see a good kid that has been through some “bad” situations. 

It may sound like a word game, but there is a real difference in the way we treat someone who we believe is “bad” and someone who is the victim of “bad” things.

Here are a few ideas on how to problem-solve in a new way:

• Have a normal routine
• Give choices and respect your child’s decisions
• Be the “calm” in their storm
• Help them understand their feelings – and don’t shame them for feeling the way that they do. It is not their choice to “feel” a certain way.
• Have patience. Healing is a process and it may take much longer than you expect
• Be the predictable parent they are looking for.
• Let them know you care.
• NEVER take their behavior personally – It’s not about you!

.There is no “magic pill” that will “cure” trauma damages that have already been done to a child. It is a common misconception that as a foster or adoptive parent, we are somehow going to “save” these kids from their past. 

If I was to characterize our role in general terms, it would be to create a place that allows them to begin to heal. We are more like a doctor that cleans a wound and gives antibiotic medication to kill the infection so that the body can heal itself. 

Have a normal routine

I am not aware of any studies on the reason why this works, but it does. I believe that when you take a person who has lived in a constant state of alert, always scanning their horizon for inevitable dangers, allowing them to experience some normative allows them to begin to trust their environment. 

It will take some time to be willing to trust the new environment. It has changed so many times in their young life already. But, once you have gained their trust and they can believe that it is safe, the amygdala will finally shut down and allow them to let their guard down a little at a time. 

This is not a quick fix, but it will be a long term solution for most kids and adults alike!

Give Choices

Allowing children to make some of their own choices and then sticking to them allows them to have some skin in the game of life. Their choices matter. They matter. They have the ability to control parts of their life and are not helpless creatures dependant on someone else’s choices. In the past, those choices that others have made have hurt them. 

By allowing them to make some of their own age-appropriate choices you are giving them some level of power over their own lives.

Be the Calm in the Storm

The storms of life have raged around them for most of their life. That is a simple truth for most kids in care. They didn’t usually get there by being in a stable and loving environment. Even in the most violent hurricane, there is an eye in the storm. Be the calm place in their storm. That means not being reactive and remailing calm even when the winds of life are ravaging everything around you. You need to be the one who shows the calm resolve to respond with the choice of love in a scary place. 

You can not yell at mistakes, you talk about choices and consequences. You need to model the ability to respond with love even when everyone around you seems to be screaming in hate. It is a difficult place to choose peace, but if you can model it – they will eventually follow your lead.

I am reminded of hearing a Kung Fu master, Jeremy Roadruck say “Don’t worry, they are listening to you – be afraid, they are watching you too.” 

Kids seem to ignore everything you say – but they are not. They seem to ignore what you are doing, but they are watching every step you take. Step intentionally!

Help them understand their feelings

Help them understand their feelings – and don’t shame them for feeling the way that they do. It is not their choice to “feel” a certain way. Feelings are difficult to understand for most adults. How much harder is it for a child who has had an overwhelming sense of negative feelings run their amygdala for the majority of their life? Help them understand what they are feeling and ground those thoughts in how it manifests in their body. Fear may be a tight chest. Dread can be a hot rock in their stomach. Joy may be a fluttering heart with a smile. Whatever they are feeling, talk about it without judgment.

When you feel a certain way, it is not a choice. What you do in response to those feelings is a choice. But, start with helping them understand their emotions.

Have patience

Healing is a process and it may take much longer than you expect. Be patient. You do not have control over how long this process will take. Just be in the moment with them and allow them to begin to trust you to be the calm person that you are. Allow them to learn that their feelings are a guide to the world around them, but teach them that they have a choice to make and it will have consequences that they can control. You are giving them back the power of control over their life and emotions – that takes time and repetition. 

Be predictable

You can not be an emotional chameleon and expect them to feel safe with you. You must be predictable and stable or they will not trust you to be the person that you say you are. Travelers have used landmarks for years to tell them where it is safe to go. Landmarks are a safe bet because they do not change – the are always there. Be the predictable rock that is always there to guide them in the calm and in the storms of life. 

Let them know you care

My kids should know that I care about them. But, I promise you that at some point the perspective of a toddler or a teen will convince them that the chores I have them do is just me being lazy and making them do “everything!” I can tell them time and again that I am teaching them to be responsible young men or women so they can take care of themselves, but their perspective will not always allow them to see it. 

You can tell them all day long how much you care. They will not listen to your words as much as they do your actions. I know I have heard Larry Hagner of The Dad Edge Podcast (formerly the Good Dad Project), “children spell love T-I-M-E.” You must spend quality time with them. That is how you build the bridges of connection that will get you through the hard times of life.

Never take it personally

Their behavior is not about you! It is about their trauma and you are just the guide along their journey. Remember that it is not uncommon to see the trauma that has occurred over days, weeks, months, or even years. If it took a long time to create the trauma, it will probably take longer to heal from the trauma. Think of it this way; eating 3 donuts a day will put weight on much quicker than you can lose it by not eating donuts!

What we know about trauma at this point tells us that it affects parts of the brain that you can not “teach” new responses in a short timeframe. It will take a long time of building trust and connections inside of a relationship for a child to relearn how to interact with the world.

When you see behaviors that you suspect are the byproduct of earlier trauma you must learn to reframe it as a “trauma-based response” and never treat it as a malicious act. The brain changes are not a choice and are not their fault!

We are just trying to create an environment in which the healing process can begin. Then it is all up to them. That is the frustrating part – you can not do it for them, no matter how much you want to. You can only prepare the heart, it is up to them to choose the road they will walk.

This is only a partial list of things to look into. If you are dealing with behaviors that you do not understand, there may be a few things here to try. Always remember that you are usually dealing with things that you may not understand the origins of manifestation. Never forget that it is not about you. Unless you have abused your child – it is not about you. You are just the conduit for them to find peace.