There are some things you should never ask people that you don’t know. Questions like “are you pregnant” are probably best left relegated to the realm of thoughts you just don’t say out loud.
As a foster or adoptive parent, you will hear people open their mouth and vomit ignorance all over with startling regularity!
Listed below are some of the things my wife and I have heard and a few of the responses we have given. I will warn you, they may not all be nice…
- Are they adopted? – Nope, we kidnapped them. You have no idea what kind of trauma these kids may have experienced and the fact that our skin may not be a perfect match doesn’t mean we are going to break their story down for you in Walmart.
- Are they black? – God, I hope so. If not, I lost my kids.
- Are they all yours? – Why do you ask? Are you in the market to buy?
- Whose kids are they? – I wish I knew, they’ve been following me for weeks!
- Where do they come from? – You see – when a boy likes a girl…. You look a little old to not know where babies come from
- How many dads are there? – Roughly speaking, 1 each. That’s science!
- You should keep your legs closed – I see you have had the “birds and the bees” talk did anyone ever tell you about the “mind your own business” talk
- If you can’t afford to have kids you shouldn’t be having kids (when using WIC to get formula) – Why should I worry about it when your taxes can buy it for me?
- Close your baby maker. – Ummmm….. I’m not certain you know what you are talking about.
- Are they your real children? – Wait. You can see them too? I thought they were all imaginary!
- Are you their real parents – Define what you mean by the word “real”
- What’s wrong with them? – They have to put up with stupid questions all day.
- Are they in foster care? – Huh? Are you a cop? Did they issue an Amber Alert? What I meant to say was yeah…. That’s it. Foster Care.
- What did their real parents do to them? – They created them. And I think they did a fine job of it.
- You must make a good paycheck off of all of those kids. – Yeah, that’s the only reason we do it. Everyone is getting rich off state jobs these days.
- What are they? – Humans, of the small variety. You can find them in schools and parks on a nice day.
I hear your unkind whispers even when you think you are being discreet. It is aggravating at the moment and admittedly, most of the responses listed above are pieces of snark that I thought of just a minute too late to actually use.
I know that a few people are genuinely curious with good intentions and I want you to think about the questions you are tempted to ask and the unintended consequences. If a child is in foster care, do you think they want a random stranger prying into one of their most private and heartbreaking moments?
Questions about racial or ethnic backgrounds are just unnecessary. They serve no purpose other than to assuage your curiosity. Unless you are a census worker, let’s just leave those alone.
These are some of the crazy things we have heard. But, to be fair, we have had a lot of kind and loving comments about being blessed with an abundance of kids. We have even had offers to hold doors or help when we are trying to navigate 2 grocery carts to the car with 6 kids.
We help kids in the roughest moments of their life because it is our passion. We know that if there is no one to give love and support to the young innocent souls, their chance of becoming addicts and criminals is astronomically higher.
I don’t want your praise for what we are doing. I just want you to see at-risk youth as an opportunity, not an object your judgmental musings in public.
Show some compassion. Give some love. Be supportive of others. And most of all – think before you start asking questions. If you can do that, we would love to have you join us in our mission of “Providing Strength for the Weakest Among Us.”
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