Are you a “countdown to next Christmas 364 days out” sorta person, or more of Bah Hum Bug, “its over, now leave me alone for a year” kind? 

Most of us fall somewhere on that continuum. But there are a few of us who are on a whole different plane. Some of us are dealing with grief and loss through the holiday season. Even when the loss didn’t happen this year or last.

Losing your whole family

As a foster family, we have been to many gatherings with a new kid amongst our crew. It is easy for outsiders to think that they are “lucky to have us” as a surrogate for the violence or deprivation of their family of origin. I can assure you that is almost never their perspective.

Regardless of age, these kids are with us because they have experienced something that was traumatic in their life. Now they have lost the only constant they may have ever known. 

So, when a face is covered in a sadness that belies the festive spirit of others in the room, don’t try to tell them they should be happy. Do not expect the seasonal joy to fill their hearts. 

If I disappear into the other room to soothe a broken spirit or wipe away a few tears it is OK. We are walking through their pain together.

You will not understand.

Losing a parent

If you are one of the eventual members of the club of those who have buried their childhood with their parents. There is no other moment in life that defines loss quite like a man burying his father. Especially if they were close and his loss is a deep wound. 

The loss of a familial patriarch is an archetypal loss. Historical epochs have been written about the loss of a benevolent father. If your father was a power for positivity in your life, it is likely that you have, or will experience a traumatic loss at the time of his passing.

Significant moments will return annually to remind you of your loss. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are among those recurring moments. Every year those same days will occur with the regularity of time marking a march ever onward.

They will not understand.

Losing a child

If you are among the ever rarer membership of those of us who have laid a child to rest, you know the dull ache of the heart, mind, and soul that inhabits the waking hours of forever. 

If you are fortunate enough to never had to breathe that rare air, I will tell you that you never “get over it”, there is no remembering “that you have other kids to be thankful for”, and even if time heals some wounds, there are some wounds that are truly timeless.

Some scars will not vanish, we will be forced to wear them in the pride of shame by which we value them. The effects of those losses will be seen by others as something of a mystery shrouded in an evergreen sadness.

The recurrence of holiday traditions will sometimes bring a bittersweet memory to surface long enough to cover your face in a forlorn expression that confuses the festive party goers around you.

They will not understand.

Losing a family member

Whether it is a slow uphill battle with cancer taking away your sister, or the sudden loss of a favorite cousin in an automobile accident – every holiday for a long time will remind you of the years gone by when you enjoyed the closeness of their company and friendship during these annual meetups.

The number of times that you will pick up a phone to send them a “happy birthday” message, a “Merry Christmas” or well wishes for a new year are not numbered definitively.

As a matter of fact, the last time you attempt to call a departed loved one, you will not know that it is the last time that you momentarily forget their loss. It is a milestone that will pass without warning. Nonetheless, it will pass.

After the passing of that milestone, you will miss them no less than when the pain of loss was all you could think about.

They will not understand.

Losing a relationship

The dissolution of a marital bond can be amicable although that is rarely the case. Even among the rare friendly divorces, there is a grieving of the loss of a bond between you and a spouse that stood before God and friends and declared your undying, eternal love for each other. 

There is a formal ceremony in which you clearly and legally state that you are breaking the sacred ties with which you bound yourselves together.

It leads to quiet hours of rehashing your decisions leading up to the breakup that may be hurting you, but undoubtedly is effecting your children. That thought is enough to make you question if the potential damage was worth the attempt to start over!

They will not understand.

Timely grief

Each one of these significant losses requires us to grieve their existence or to sit with the hands and feet of our emotions tied until we get about the business of dealing with your challenging emotions. You may know exactly what you need to do – then do it! 

You may feel wholly inadequate and unprepared to even know what to do to help you with your unresolved grief. Hire a professional to help you walk through it!

The modern stigma around mental health professionals has abated greatly over the last decade or two! Maybe it is a psychiatrist, a counselor, or psychologist or some combination of some or all of them – but they will not hurt your situation by helping you see life from many angles.

Grief is triggered by dwelling on loss at a time when the good memories flood back in. It is difficult for all of us to fathom what we see in the eyes of others.

So this Holiday Season, be kind – you don’t know the story behind forlorn eyes across the room. The hidden tear that is quickly wiped and covered with a smile tells a story that you do not understand.

You will not understand.

You can not understand the grief of those around you, but you can be kind. You can be empathetic. You can choose not to rush to judgment. You can choose to show love to another. And even though you will probably not understand, your kindness is enough for today.

What can you do to help others around you?

• Be Kind
• Be Gentle
• Repeat…