{"id":905,"date":"2020-02-06T03:42:41","date_gmt":"2020-02-06T09:42:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jasonmpalmer.com\/?p=905"},"modified":"2020-02-07T03:39:56","modified_gmt":"2020-02-07T09:39:56","slug":"how-to-parent-a-child-with-trauma","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fostercarenation.com\/index.php\/2020\/02\/06\/how-to-parent-a-child-with-trauma\/","title":{"rendered":"How to parent a child with trauma"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

According to the American Psychological Association<\/a>, trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives. Psychologists can help these individuals find constructive ways of managing their emotions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Every child will respond differently to their trauma. You can never be sure how they will respond to different types and intensities of traumatic events that are part of their history. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As a foster parent, you never really know the full spectrum of what each child has experienced unless they tell you. Often if something happened to them at a young age they may not even remember it consciously, but their body does!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A child will not remember hours of hunger during newborn years, but a part of the brain does. The effects of early childhood trauma are not always easily linked to the event that caused them because the cause is not always known.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is one of the struggles of foster parents. Not every child has been traumatized in their life, but you can not assume that any child was never exposed to trauma either.
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Children with trauma are different<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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It is worth noting that we share 99% of our DNA with Bonobos and Chimpanzees according to this article<\/a> on sciencemag.org. 99% is a lot of similarities to have, but that 1% difference accounts for a LOT of differences. Is it any wonder that each and every one of us is radically different due to genetic, environmental, and experiential factors?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then there is the difference that trauma is responsible for. According to this article<\/a> on sciencedaily.com children with a childhood trauma have differences in the structure of the networks in the brain that seem to be closely related to the populations that experienced known traumas.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Science has proven that there are significant differences between the brains of children that experienced childhood trauma. We need to accept the fact that this means there will be a difference in how we as a generation need to parent those kids<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As much as I would love to be able to just tell my kids to just grow up and stop doing things that lead to negative consequences, it simply won\u2019t work. First off, my kids experienced the loss of a sibling. Their oldest sister lost her battle with HLH<\/a> in 2015. She was 17 when she got sick and 18 when she lost her fight. They all watched this happen and it affected them all differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two of our children witnessed their biological father\u2019s murder, and the two youngest experienced significant drug exposure in utero or during the first year of life.
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Problem-solving in a new way<\/h1>\n\n\n\n
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\u201cWhen you are a hammer everything looks like a nail.\u201d I don\u2019t know who to attribute this quote to, but it is so <\/strong>very true. Have you ever tried to hammer a screw into a piece of wood? You can do it. But it won\u2019t be very effective. As a matter of fact, you will probably damage the threads of the screw and rip a large hole in the wood and run the risk of splitting it completely. If you get it to go all the way into the wood you will likely damage the screw in the process too. So why do we do this with our kids without realizing we are damaging them too?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is just easier to expect them to respond the same way to the same stimulus the same way we see other kids respond. Unfortunately for the kids involved they oftentimes get damaged by our best efforts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The first step is learning to reframe the way we see kids who have experienced trauma (especially ongoing trauma). Rather than allowing yourself to see a kid as a \u201cbad\u201d kid, you must reframe your perspective to see a good kid that has been through some \u201cbad\u201d situations. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It may sound like a word game, but there is a real difference in the way we treat someone who we believe is \u201cbad\u201d and someone who is the victim of \u201cbad\u201d things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here are a few ideas on how to problem-solve in a new way:<\/p>\n\n\n\n