I watched a man die today. Not a physical death, I was witness to the slow painful death of a man’s spirit. I saw him as he gave up the ghost of his life with the full knowledge he was going to have to live with that death for the rest of his life.
As a foster and adoptive parent, I have attended many hearings where parental rights were terminated by the state. Usually, the parents are not present and have given up on the situation altogether. However, today I was in court and watched as our foster daughter’s biological dad showed up via a video link from the prison, where he is currently incarcerated.
When he first began to talk, he was somewhat animated, angry even. I cannot say as I blame him. I do not really know his personal story or what traumas might have happened in his life that led him to this moment. I do know that he was incarcerated for at least 2 more years according to his judicial disposition. He was powerless to change the situation and he knew it.
His daughter was born addicted to fentanyl and was in the NICU for some time as they weaned her off the drugs that were in her system at birth. He claims to have taken the mother to drug rehab to get her clean when they found out that she was pregnant. I know that her exposure to those substances was entirely controllable by the mother and that is what brought her into the child welfare system and led them to terminating the parental rights of both parents today.
As a father he was responsible for maintaining a life where he could care for and protect his little girl – and you could see that he knew that he failed her by the look on his face. He was incarcerated on drug related charges in one state and was facing drug related charges in a neighboring state when his time was up at his current facility.
The proceedings started with the normal minutiae of who was there, what their roles were, and what evidence they were going to present. No real CSI drama there. As the court proceedings took shape, he occasionally bristled at some of the accusations but remained appropriately behaved throughout. As the State’s attorney began to bring out evidence and ask questions, I saw the realization that his chances of winning the case were dwindling. When the attorney mentioned the names of the 4 children whom he had already lost his parental right to, I saw his soul crush.
It would be easy to say “good – he deserves it.” But today I could not do that. As much as I wanted someone to feel responsible for the lifetime of trauma and challenges that he has undoubtedly given this beautiful little soul that I have come to love, I could not feel the self-righteous anger that often fills my heart. I had just seen a man crushed and his heart eviscerated in front of me. All I could feel was sadness. Sad for the position he was in (regardless of how he got there) and sad that this little girl would live a life wondering what was wrong with her and why her daddy did not love her enough to change his life. I watched another human come to terms with the chain of poor decisions that had hurt so many crush his soul. I watched a daddy lose his little girl.
I am relieved that she is one step closer to permanency and honored to be her daddy. But I cannot feel the elation of fatherhood without acknowledging the devastation of loss in her life and his. Holding the two diametrically opposed feelings is like walking a tightrope without a net.
The most painful words I have ever heard were “I believe she is best off with the Palmers.” We all knew it was true, but it was as if he was giving his last words before execution. The light went out in his eyes, that is how I saw a man die today.
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