For as long as I can remember my wife and me have had different parenting styles with our children. Whether it is Foster kids, adopted kids, bio kids, or just kids from the neighborhood hanging around the house we are just wired differently. Don’t et me wrong, we have similar goals and are on the same page when it comes to expectations. We just approach it from a different perspective.
Ironically our perspective has changed over the years. In the past I was the one who was not very understanding about why a kid was acting out, it was just my goal to get it to stop! Amanda, my wife, was the more understanding one of the two of us.
It was always my position as the hard-nosed drill sergeant type contrasted with her softer and more nurturing side.
Over the last several years our life experience has led to my understanding of trauma and its effects on the brains of our little ones that led me to change my parenting style. Partly because I understand some of the causes, but mostly because I have been able to see the ineffectiveness of my tactics as a dad.
Amanda’s more nurturing side left her vulnerable to kids who knew how to manipulate her and nag her into getting what they wanted by whining, complaining, and playing the guilt trip game constantly. As a mother, she has learned that giving in to those things wasn’t good for her or them. She was manipulated and they were not forced to experience the natural consequences of their actions as long as she eventually gave in.
Fast forward a few years and you will see a completely different dichotomy in our parenting styles.
I find myself being much more understanding and less willing to just “drop the hammer” without knowing the “why” behind the “what”. That has allowed our children to feel much more heard and their experiences are validated; even when the consequences to their actions aren’t what they want to experience.
Amanda has been able to gain the respect of our children when it comes to saying no and meaning it. Their attempts at manipulating her into a guilt-based yes have dwindled to a more “normal” rate (they are teens after all).
This change in our parenting styles has not made us “perfect” parents, but it has helped us to make decisions that are more likely to be respected and understood by our children. They don’t like being told no, and in the moment there is not always an abundance of understanding and respect. But, once they have time to consider the situation (usually after a good night of sleep), they accept the situation and work to resolve whatever it is that they can do to make the situation more to their liking.
Our kids know that any failing grade in any class disallows them from any extracurricular activities. Our son has struggled with this one. He knows that he has to go back and do the unfinished work he was supposed to do the day before in order to be able to play on the basketball or football team in order to play a game.
Sometimes he has been right on the edge for a game and he almost always barely pulls it off. Last night he was unable to get the grade up before the game and I had to say no to the game. We talked to the coach and explained the problem. They don’t like him not being able to play, but they are supportive of the importance of getting the boys’ grades up before playing ball.
It was difficult as we watched him go through the grief of missing out on a game that would have been a good time for him. He was upset, angry, even rude about his feelings toward us.
My calm demeanor reflected his attacks without anything to fight against me and my wife’s steadfast demeanor left him with no foothold to guilt her into wavering on our standard.
I believe that our different styles are also complementary to each other. My strengths and weaknesses are well balanced by my wife’s strengths and weaknesses. After all, if we were identical in our parenting styles, one of us would be a redundant unnecessity.
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